On this day absorbed in my surroundings my mind and heart had peace, a realisation but not the strength…
God has made such a beautiful earth for us but it’s the wonderful people that make it spectacular.
I loved that this couple walked into my frame and made it complete.
Choose wisely with those you allow to be part of your internal frame.
Photography for me is not just about pretty locations, beautiful people, but a journey of self discovery, a place to clear my mind and find clarity, a place to know my standards. A place to grow and become a better person through kindness to others and to myself.
I have learnt that to love unconditionally even with all the pain that comes with it is the true measure of a person, how you make wrongs right.
It is the only way to experience deep connection of selfless love.
While I share this I may come across as dumb, angry or vulnerable to those who’s intentions are self seeking or do not know me, but I see it as strength to speak freely with my experiences,
to know what people do for their own devices has no relevance to who i am. I allowed it, even sometimes dismissed it because of your my nature and honesty.
I hope that if someone is going through the same experience that my story helps them.
At the same time growing from this, a very difficult but worthwhile lesson. You have the right to express how you feel and be heard, even if no one is listening or believes you, speak your truth. Most are just curious and very few care and all of that is irrelevant to your right to feel and be human.
As painful as it was, it has made me grow. Slowing forgiving myself for my angry responses, realising there is only so much one can take, I am after all only human myself, the confusion it created when I knew better. I can kick myself for allowing it but I know my intention was to give all not out of weakness but out of being authentic. This is not as good as it gets.
I have met so many people in my life but never one like this, one that has no ability to feel remorse, be accountable unless there is a pay off, do nothing for others unless there is something in it for them,
Once they realise they are about to be discovered apologise with “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than “i am sorry I did that to you. Telling you they will try and in the same sentence, say this is how I am take it or leave it, confused much?!
I have never experienced such a performance of manipulation, actually making it finally clear to me, with all my experiences with life, even knowing it, seeing it but the slow feeding of put downs, silent treatment to control, draining me of my strength and joy that i couldn’t get out. Feeling so weak you cling onto the very person that keeps you there, a slow death indeed.
I heard myself but didn’t quite take it in, emotional manipulation is a powerful thing, i have never experienced silence to control, I am so grateful, i finally saw it for what it was, nothing more than self seeking on their behalf while making you believe that you are crazy and acting crazy, infused with confusion of your right to express how you feel.
Stripping you of joy to keep you just where they want you, giving just enough to keep you there.
While the words were there, there were no actions to back it.
These manipulators pray on people with forgiving natures, the ones that can love unconditionally and the ones he thinks cannot think for themselves.
While we all make mistakes, the truth lies in the ability to take responsibly, to make things right because your heart tells you so or get out because it’s not right for you.
They will feed just enough information to others so they make up the rest of the story to belittle you, hate you and make themselves come off as the victim, allowing others to fight for them while they portray they are sincere, thus not taking responsibility of their own motives.
There will always be haters based on the lies of others, no control over that. People that will attack you on their behalf, adding lies, a reflection of who they are and how they feel about themselves, based oh half truths and their own pain.
The angry caller,
I was called slut, whore, while her husband yelled from the background, evil slut, she even said that her husband pushed her when he was pissed off, wow if that what you think is ok, that is your choice. I have my own standards. Adding her pain reflecting on me. NO truth in her words of assumptions and half truths.
An hour of her rubbishing me until I finally snapped diminishing my past relationship that she knows nothing about, not caring when I said he had a stroke, “saying yeah that’s it that’s what i want to see, truly some very angry people on the planet.
People that don’t really know either of us. I stand by my truth. The people who know you and love you will stay, the ones that don’t will gossip. Some may even go out of their way to hurt, I am sorry they are experiencing their own pain and see it as an opportunity to reflect on others, instead of doing the work.
The manipulator shares nothing of themselves and they know how dangerous it can be because thats what they use to control, they give enough allowing people to feel comfortable to tell them all, a feeling of being heard and acknowledged, again gaining trust, make you feel good believing that they are good people who are actually interested in you, in actual fact it’s their game plan, we all feel good about talking about ourselves feeling understood, the manipulator has actually done nothing for you but give you a false sense of acceptance.
The manipulator will put on a performance of a life time, sadness, tears, expressing their failures by default but actually never trying or taking responsiblity, they will use the “you deserve better” dam straight i so, who will throw in I love you and want to it to work, just to confuse you more, quickly saying, I don’t know what to do, it will be all about them in an attempt to make you feel that they are sorry , when actually they are sorry that you can see past the lies and can no longer manipulate you, and off they go to the next person they can drain, it sparked me to read and learn about such people, I am still stunned that there are people that walk the earth like that.
He “allowed” me to tell him what I learnt and discovered, with the phone on speaker while he worked, giving me the I can’t talk now reason, which was always the way but never came back to talk to me later, in all that time I spoke, nothing but silence and the little he gave was with no sense of remorse, understanding or compassion,
I somehow feel I have given him the tools to do it better next time, handed him a sob story to tell others for his instant gratification. Allowing him to continue his self fulling intentions.While he did something that is beyond repair, I had the right to know, if I was the only person he did it too, or others. He has the right to his truth as it has no reflection on who i am or my recovery.
So as I pick up the pieces, restore myself knowing who i really am and what my intentions are with those around me, I know my flaws and have the ability to acknowledge them, apologies and forgive, while half way there i realise that the hurdle i face is knowing that, people like this will get away with not being accountable, surrounding themselves with people they can control those who believe in the front, he will do it again and again and there is nothing i can do but move on and forgive myself.
My strength lies in my process of bettering who I am as that is the only thing i have control of. Never to allow this again. Even the strong fall with the ability to rise. Time to get my happy back.
All I can do is pray for all. God is with me.